911 operator, what's your emergency?
"I'd need to report an assault."
Where are you?
"I'm on Liberty Mountain in Lynchburg."
OK, tell me what's happening.
"I'm in a mountain bike race and it's beating the $h!t out of me."
Who's beating the $h!t out of you sir?
"No, IT's beating the $h!t out of me, not who."
I don't understand sir.
"The f*&$ing mountain is beating the $h!t out of me. Bad."
Sir, can you tell me a bit more about your situation so I can try and help you?
"Well, when we started I had to pick through a whole pack of Sport riders one-by-one, and that was sending my heart rate through the roof trying to..."
Do you think you are you having a heart attack?
"What? No, I'm trying to finish this stupid race but the mountain keeps beating the $h!t out of me, dammit! Will you just let me tell you my story?"
OK, sir. I'm sorry. Please continue.
"So anyway, I'm picking my way through all this damn traffic we got stuck behind and..."
What road are you on sir?
"I'm not on a damn road, I'm on a trail. I'm in a mountain bike race and I think this mountain is trying to kill me. I've been right on the heels of the 3rd and 4th place racers in the singlespeed class the entire time, despite having slow-poke Sport racers in front of me and crashing three times. Now I've lost sight of the guys I'm chasing and my front tire just started spewing Stan's all over the trail and I can't get it to seal up."
Who is Stan? Is he the one assaulting you?
"For Pete's sake! I have a flat that I can't seem to fix, I'm out of C02 and I've been walking for probably two miles trying to get to the finish, can I please just get some help?"
Sir, I can't help you until you can help me to understand what's really going on. Can you try explaining you situation one more time for me?
"OK, I am in a mountain bike race with about 130 other racers at Liberty Mountain in Lynchburg. The trails here are very difficult and many things have gone wrong to contribute to my situation. I've crashed three times and banged myself up, I think I may have gone off course, and my front tire went flat. I tried to fix it but could not. I have about four miles to go in an eighteen mile race, and I have to walk because I can't fix my tire. The mountain is beating the $h!t out of me!"